Tyler Durden

"...and for just $.99 your likeness will appear, two hundred feet tall, on a screen above downtown Las Vegas. Ninety-nine cents more for a voice message. "Say whatever you want, fella. They'll hear you, don't worry about that. Remember you’ll be two hundred feet tall."

Jesus Christ. I could see myself lying in bed in the Mint Hotel, half-asleep and staring idly out the window, when suddenly a vicious nazi drunkard appears two hundred feet tall in the midnight sky, screaming gibberish at the world: "Woodstock Uber Alles!"

We will close the drapes tonight. A thing like that could send a drug person careening around the room like a Ping-Pong ball. Hallucinations are bad enough. But after a while you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth. Most acid fanciers can handle this sort of thing. But nobody can handle that other trip - the possibility that any freak with $1.98 can walk into the Circus-Circus and suddenly appear in the sky over downtown Las Vegas twelve times the size of God, howling anything that comes into his head. No, this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs. Reality itself is too twisted."

• I could play PS2, but committing random acts of violence in Grand Theft Auto has shockingly become boring. No longer do I get amused by beating up hookers with baseball bats or throwing grenades at gang members. No longer do I get a laugh from going on rocket launcher rampages, blowing up cars and shooting down police helicopters. It's not even fun to steal a random car and drive on the sidewalks. Holy shit..I must be getting more mature!
  
• I could watch a movie, but we don't have any good ones that I haven't seen a billion times. Watching Bob Barker beating the shit out of Adam Sandler in "Happy Gilmore" is only funny the first few thousand times I see it. It's sad when I'm damn close to knowing every line in the movie.
  
• I could download some new songs, but my computer's too goddamn slow to download a 3 minute song in less than an hour while I keep clicking "Redeal" while playing Solitaire until I get a good start. I'm not that bored.
  
  I could really use a good book to read or something right now. It's been a few months since I've read a book. Hopefully I'll be able to get to the library and look around there or something sometime soon. Any suggestions?
  
  ...I think being a stand-up comedian would kick tons of ass. It would rock my socks. It's got to be the best job in the world. You get paid to be a smartass. It's great. I could totally do it. Getting people to laugh might be a problem, though. Sure, I can make a few people laugh, but I don't know about a sold out arena. Hell, getting an entire bar of alcoholics completely drunk off their ass to laugh at my jokes might be a little hard. Another bad thing about the comedian thing is that it takes a long time to get noticed. There's so many comedians out there that it's hard to find a new one every once and awhile that's worth a decent amount of money. The last thing I want is to be worse off financially than my parents...
  
  ...Irony has a funny way of working out in the end. After this jerk off stole a ball from a 4 year old kid at a Texas Rangers baseball game, the guy ended up getting booed out of the stadium. By the end of the game, the kid had a baseball signed by one of the players, the player's own bat, and tickets to the rest of Texas' home games. Here's the funny part..the asshole who stole the ball from the kid is a youth minister. The guy ended up giving the ball back to the kid a couple days later. So here's a quick summary: The kid got two baseballs, an authentic MLB bat, and season tickets. The jackass got nothing, except for a reputation as a jerk throughout the state of Texas...
  
  ...Hey...guess what? It's raining again! 38th time in 40 days! Half of Wisconsin's counties are applying for disaster relief because of flooding. It's funny how last year, we didn't have rain for a little more than two months in the summer, and now half the plants are dying because they're drowning. We set an all-time record for rainfall in the month of May, and this has already been the 3rd rainiest June of all time. "Rain, rain, go away...GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND NEVER COME BACK!!"...

Every time I fall
You catch me
And every time I lose control
You help me, you save me
And every time I lose myself
You find me, redefine me
And every time I hate myself
You love me, forgive me
And every time I lose myself
You find me, redefine me

Well I got your late night call
You're in the center of it all
You're havin' a ball
And you're really doin' fine
West Coast time
And I believe you...

But here's one for the coast
The people with the most
The pretty, pretty folks
The West Coast folks
Yeah here's one for the coast
The people with the most
The pretty, pretty folks
The West Coast folks

And here we go again,
It's never gonna end,
We're all so sick of California songs!
Yeah we know you love L.A.,
There's nothin' left to say,
Please no more California songs!

(..and fuck New York too..)

Yeah your heaven is a lie,
Just more shit that I don't buy..
Well they're headin' for the coast,
They're movin' out in droves,
They're sendin' back reports on the radio..
Their message is the same,
It's gettin' pretty lame,
The California dreamings on the radio

And here we go again,
It's never gonna end,
We're all so sick of California songs!
Yeah we know you love L.A.,
There's nothin' left to say,
Please no more California songs!

Yeeeeeaaaaah here we go again,
It's never gonna end,
We're all so sick of California songs!
Yeah we know you love L.A.,
But there's nothin' left to say,
Please no more California songs!

AND FUCK NEW YORK, TOO!!

Alright...

Here's one for the coast...

YEEEEAAAAH HERE WE GO AGAIN
IT'S NEVER GONNA END
WE'RE ALL SO SICK OF CALIFORNIA SONGS
YEAH WE KNOW YOU LOVE L.A.
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SAY
PLEASE NO MORE CALIFORNIA SONGS!
PLEASE NO MORE CALIFORNIA SONGS!
PLEASE NO MORE CALIFORNIA SONGS!
PLEASE NO MORE CALIFORNIA SONGS!
PLEASE NO MORE CALIFORNIA SONGS!

..and fuck New York, too.